My Testimony
This may be difficult for some to read, but it is about God's grace and healing. It is not meant to harm anyone. I want to share a portion of my personal testimony with you.
Throughout my life, I have faced various forms of abuse, beginning in my early childhood. The trauma started when I was just a young child, experiencing both physical and emotional abuse. At the tender age of seven, I was subjected to rape, and by the age of ten, I endured further violation through fondling. When I was twelve I found solace in my faith, giving my heart to Jesus after being inspired by Corrie Ten Boom's "The Hiding Place."
In my quest for healing, I sought assistance from Focus on the Family’s counseling services, only to be met with the discouraging advice that I knew my issues and to resolve them independently. The impact of this experience shattered my resolve and deterred me from pursuing any further assistance regarding the abuse I was suffering.
At nineteen, I entered into marriage and became a mother to two beautiful daughters, yet I found myself in a relationship marred by mental abuse and my husband's addiction to pornography, which I viewed as a form of infidelity. Regrettably, I was not fulfilling my role as a Godly wife, neglecting my spiritual practices and church attendance. I do not attribute the entirety of my divorce to my husband, as I recognize that my own shortcomings played a significant role in our relationship. Furthermore, both of us were ill-equipped to navigate the effects of the abuse we experienced during our childhoods, which contributed to the challenges we faced together. Although we attempted counseling, it only exacerbated the mental abuse, leading to our divorce after thirteen years.
Following the separation, I was burdened with feelings of condemnation, being misled into believing I was destined for hell due to my divorce, which prompted a reckless phase in my life characterized by alcohol and prescription drug abuse and promiscuity. Eventually, I entered into two additional marriages, both of which were marked by significant physical and emotional abuse. Through one of those unions, I was blessed to welcome a son into my life when I turned 40. During this marriage, my husband was a severe methamphetamine user, and his addiction nearly cost me my life while I was pregnant with our son. At that time, I had no prior experience with meth and was unaware of the signs of its use in others. This was an extremely abusive relationship, and I obtained full custody of my son and a permanent order of protection in my divorce.
Regrettably, after I resumed my job following the birth of my son, I succumbed to my previous patterns and began to experiment with meth myself. Tragically, I experienced rape on four additional occasions, the last of which occurred six years ago. I made several attempts to stop using meth, but ultimately, I found myself evicted from my home. In a moment of desperation, I turned to my oldest daughter, asking her to take care of my son while I sought help. Her response was harsh: “You made your bed, go lie in it.” This was particularly painful because she had previously warned me that if I relapsed into meth use, she would take my son away from me. Yet, in our time of need, she refused to assist him.
This experience shattered me completely, prompting me to quit meth cold turkey and for good. Experiencing homelessness was a significant challenge in my life, yet I found solace in the unwavering faithfulness of God, even during my moments of unfaithfulness. In this difficult time, I was blessed with friends who assisted me in acquiring a used camper, which became my temporary home. This was five years ago, during which I reached out for assistance again and received a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), along with major depressive disorder, major panic disorder, and major anxiety disorder.
Eventually, God guided me to a compassionate Christian counselor who recognized my need for deliverance and connected me with a deliverance minister, an experience that proved transformative. Since then, I have been striving to deepen my relationship with God each day, navigating the inevitable struggles and trials that arise. While there are moments when I align with God's will, there are also times when I succumb to the adversary's and my own carnal nature’s influence. The most significant challenges I face as a result of my past traumas are pervasive feelings of fear, anxiety, and worry. I have learned to wield the Sword of God using various scriptures. One particularly impactful verse is 2 Timothy 1:7, which states, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
My mother discovered a profound prayer that incorporates this scripture, and I make it a point to pray it daily. If you are interested in utilizing this prayer, I have shared it at the following link: https://circleofscripture.wixsite.com/circle-of-scriptur-1/prayer-6. I can attest to its transformative power, as it has significantly impacted my life. Another scripture I find particularly empowering is 2 Corinthians 10:5, which encourages us to cast “down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.” This verse serves as a vital tool whenever I face mental attacks from the enemy or the residual effects of trauma. A year ago, my son and I faced further hardships with my camper, including difficulties in maintaining warmth, the hot water heater and air conditioning malfunctioning, yet once again, we witnessed God's provision in our lives, as support and resources emerged just when we needed them most. God led me to go where I am today.
I am guiding my son in his understanding of the Lord, and he has committed his heart to Him, undergone baptism, and engages in daily prayer. However, he would greatly benefit from your prayers, as he is currently grappling with the reality of our Uncle's final moments. I have attempted to convey the concept of aging and the notion that sometimes God determines our time on Earth is complete, yet my son is struggling with feelings of anger regarding this situation..
I am continually improving and growing in my faith each day. I urge you not to lose hope; my life stands as a testament to the belief that with God, all things are indeed possible. He is perpetually by your side. My own experiences serve as a testament to this truth, as I have faced countless moments where my life hung in the balance, and yet, through divine intervention, I was spared from peril and the depths of hell. God’s protective hand was preparing me for the future when I would ultimately yield my entire being to Him.
In this moment, I am overwhelmed with the joy that comes from the Lord, a joy so profound that I feel compelled to proclaim it from the rooftops! It is through complete surrender to God that we can truly attain the peace that transcends all understanding. I pray that I will continue to surrender to Him daily, no matter what comes my way, because this peace and joy are too wonderful to let go of.